Hard Days
by Mary Marster
Summary: After Crush and through season 6 - 7 and 8 (I will write a season 8) the whole truth about why Buffy will finally really love Spike. Now...UPDATED !
1. Default Chapter

This story takes place immediately after Crush.

She shut me out of her life, she shut me out ! The same words turn around in his brain all the way long the path to his crypt. How can she says that to me, after all we have been through, after all that I've done to help her ! She can't do that to me, she can't !

Spike's brain keep the same mantra all along to stop the pain in his heart, to keep his brain from shuting down completely. Unconsciousely, he knows that if he lets his pain take over, it will kill him this time. He can't face another rejection in his life anymore, he simply can't. So he decides that it's not real, it's not possible, Buffy doesn't love him for the moment, OK ! But the time will come, he will show her that he has change. It was a bad idea, chain her and Dru, it's allright just a mistake, nothing irreparable. He will keep a low profile, with some time she will calm down, and he knows she will need him with Glory or another nasty demon in no time.

The best thing is to drink his pain for the next days, she won't come to him immediately. He has time to drawn in Jack Daniels for the moment. He has all the time in the world, Vampire here, remember !

He has time and She doesn't. One day she will be vulnerable, and he will takes his chance, and that day she will be his.

Buffy can't sleep, her mind replays the scene all the time. She can't forget the look of pain and suffering in Spike's eyes when he has bumped in the invisible barrier restored by Willow. It's ridiculous, why Spike's feelings touch her so much, no ! Not feelings ! He can't feel, he has no soul, he can't feel ! It's a trick ! Yes a trick to soften her, it's a trap.

Spike wants her to let her guard down and when his chip will be removed, it will be more easy for him to kill her. It's exactely what he wants, it's a plan, wicked, twisted but nonetheless his plan.

So why can't she sleep ! Damnit !

Ok Buffy calm down ! She must go to the kitchen, drink a glass of milk, watch some TV soap to take her mind from him, and relax. She does exactely that, but one hour later she realizes it doesn't work, she can't concentrate on the stupid thing playing on the TV.

Ok ! It's not what I need, so what can I do ?

Patrolling ! Yes that's the solution ! She returns in her room, dress up quickly with comfortable clothes, takes a stake and gets out silentely.

The night is quiet and the weather is really soft and warm with just a little breeze in the air. The scent of flowers and grass freshly cut is overwhelming. It's relaxing, she loves the night, much more than day sometimes. She doesn't say that to her friends because she is affraid they will think it's weird. In her case, they will think, it's not normal to prefere a moment in time where she is often confronted with evil things and forces of darkness. She is The Slayer, she represents the light, her friends prefere the normalcy of day, why is she so attracted by darkness ?

A shift in the air, beside her, stops the train of her thoughts. Her slayer's sense warns her, a vampire is approaching, she knows exactely where he is standing, a few meters behind her on the left. She goes on and let him come closer, when she knows he is just behind her, ready to attack, she turns round and grips him by the neck.

What do you think you are doing ?

Nothing ! I swore ! The vampire says with difficulty, due to the iron grip encercling his neck.

Sure ! It's after midnight, we are in a cemetary, you follow a girl, and you want me to think you are doing nothing ? Do I look stupid, do you think my name is Harmony ?

No-no !

Good ! So since you are here, and you are a vampire...

You know what.I am ?

Yes. Easy, I'm The Slayer ! Don't interrupt me when I talk, OK !

So as I was saying, I've got questions for you, if your answers satisfies me, I will let you live, are you ok with that ?

Yes ! He was in no position to refuse the deal and he knows it.

First question : Since when have you been turned ?

October 1999.

Ok so, you are a four year vamp, do you remember your family and your friends ?

Of course, what do you want from me ? My CV ?

Shut up ! Just answer, I don't need your comments ! What do you feel when you think about them ?

Huh ! I don't know !

What do you mean you don't know ? Did you kill them after you have been turned ?

No ! Why would I have done such a thing, I just left them, that's all.

So, think again do you feel something for them ?

I loved them, but I'm a vampire, I didn't want to cause pain to my mother, so I left, they would have been terrified by me if I had said what I have become.

Why do you say you loved them, past tense, you don't love them anymore ?

I suppose that I feel something for them, but they are my past, why think about them anymore ?

If someone, another vampire, for exemple, attacks your mother in front of you, what would you do ?

You are crazy, or what ? What sort of question is that ?

Answer me, or I stake you !

Ok ! Ok ! I think that if the vamp is not much older than me, I will kill him before he could kill my mother, but if it's a master I would do nothing.

Can I go now ?

Yes ...says Buffy, she removes her hand from his neck.

The vampire takes a breath, and turn round to escape, but Buffy stakes him before he can make another step.

Sorry ! I can't let you go, I'm the Slayer.

The dust settle, after a few seconds, and the breeze blow it off.

Buffy sits down on a bench nearby, she is sad and doesn't understand why. She is so confused, is it possible for a vampire to feel, even if he has no soul ? A dog doesn't have a soul, but they seems to have feelings, basics feelings but nonetheless. After the death of their masters, some animals, like dogs and cats let themselves die. They have no souls, but they feel love and pain like human beings.

She must talk to someone. She gets up and head for Giles's house, it's only one in the morning and Giles is always late to go to bed.

When she arrives, the light is on in the livingroom, she knocks at the door and Giles opens, surprised to see her.

Buffy ! Is something wrong ? Are you allright ?

Nothing is wrong Giles, can I come in ?

Of course !

She sits down on the sofa and rubs her hands nervously on her jeans.

Do you want something to drink ?

A glass of water, please, Giles.

He goes to the kitchen and bring back a glass to Buffy. He sits on the armchair in front of her and waits for her to explain her visit.

Giles, I'm sorry to disturb you so late, but I couldn't go to sleep, so...

Buffy, visibly something is perturbing you, why don't you say what it is ?

Giles, is it possible for something like a demon to have feelings ?

Giles frown.

Why does it worry you Buffy ? Is something happen tonight, during your patrol ?

Yes... sort of, I was thinking about... well I don't want to explain, really, but... animals feels even if they have no souls, so why demons wouldn't have feelings too ?

Buffy, it's a difficult question, when Europeans discovered Africa, and black people, the Christians thought black people had no soul, so they reduce them to slaves, we know now it was faulse and wrong. Lots of people think animals doesn't feel, so they think it's nothing to beat an animal, but it seems wrong to you no ?

Yes, of course ! But demons, I kill demons, if they feel, like animals, so it's wrong to kill them, no ?

Buffy you kill evil demons who does evil things, it's not wrong. It's your duty.

But Clem is a demon, and if I didn't know he is harmless, I could have kill him one day. And he seems to have feelings like anybody else, it would have been like a murder. And we don't know if he has a soul, perhaps animals and demons have some sort of equivalent of a human soul...

Buffy, perhaps I'm not the best person to answer your questions, I think Anya who was a vengeance demon for centurys, knows more on the subject than me. Or perhaps Angel... no it's a bad idea, since his problem with his soul...

I don't want to talk with him about this, but Anya...I think I could speak to her. Thank you Giles.

It's nothing Buffy, go home now, you need to sleep.

I see you tomorrow, good night Giles.

Good night Buffy.

Giles closed his door and returned in the livingroom, he needed a drink. He filled a glass with a dose of scotch and sit down on the sofa. All the questions Buffy is seeking, he himself would have loved to have the answers. He always knew this day would happen, Buffy is the slayer who has lived the longest, it is logical she will mature. With maturity, comes reflection.

But Giles knows that the questions have something to do with Spike, he is not blind, he has seen how the vampire watch Buffy when he thinks nobody pay attention to him.He must have say something about his feelings to Buffy and if Buffy didn't care at all about him she wouldn't have all these questions in mind.

Even if Buffy doesn't see she cares about him for the moment, it's a matter of time before she will return his feelings. Giles knows there is something between them, if not Buffy would have kill him a long time ago. A good time would have been when Spike was allied with Adam, for example. A betrayal of this scale, with any other vampire, would have push Buffy to stake the traitor immediately, but Buffy had let him go, without a word.

Giles at this moment had known it was not normal. Yes, one day, Buffy will fall for another vampire, and that vampire will be William The Bloody, Slayer of Slayers. It was not comforting at all, Spike will always be a danger, chip or no chip, but Giles has seen a change in Spike's demeanour, without a soul, Spike is the more human vampire he has ever seen. He remembers Spike's help when Angelus was torturing him. He knows Spike has volontarily diverted Angelus attention when he was about to kill him.Without him he would be dead.

It was him who thought to allied himself with the slayer because he didn't want the end of the world, and because of Drusilla too, of course.

Indeed it wasn't entirely unselfish, but he loved her, even after the way she had betray him. Few men would have done the same, and he was a vampire, not a man. Something is different with him, and Giles would have paid a great price to know what.


	2. chapter 2

Buffy is up early the next morning, she takes a quick breakfast, before Dawn and her mother are awake. She goes straight to the Magic Box, she wants to see Anya before she opens the store.

Anya is already there and she is surprised to see Buffy.

Hello Buffy ! It's early, you've come to train ?

Hi Anya ! Not really, in fact I want to talk with you about something.

Oh ! Really ? Is it about sex ?

NO ! Why do you think I would want to talk about that ?

Because it's a very interesting subject, humans always think about that, but they don't want to talk about it, it's not logical.

Well what do you want to talk about ? Is it about Spike ?

Buffy's cheeks flushed. Spike ? Why do you think I want to talk with you about Spike ?

I don't know, he is weird with you, he always wants to spend time with you, he doesn't complain about patrolling anymore, and he is always watching you when you don't watch him. I think he has a crush on you.

No ! I don't think so, well it's not about him, it's about demons in general, Giles says you are the best person to talk to about that, since you have been one for centuries and...

Giles said that, it's good to know that someone appreciates my knowledge ! Says Anya, delighted.

Yes, he said that, so my question is do you think that demons have feelings like humans even if they don't have a soul ?

It depends ! Some demons are very primal, like insects, these have more instincts than thoughts, some others are more enlighted, like cow, not very intelligent but they are affectionate.

What about vampires or demons of the same level of intelligence ?

Well ! At this level, and with demons more enlighted than vampires, they are not very different than humans, they just doesn't have the same priorities is all.

What do you mean ?

Demons are generally evil, not all of course and they have a sort of soul but much more smaller if I can say that, if you want vampires for example are like humans without a moral or social conventions, they have rules between them, Masters Vampires are dominant and the others obey.

They are amoral most of the time. But like humans they are all differents, some humans are amoral others are saints. I have known some vampires who didn't drink human blood because they thought it was not a necessity for survive, like some humans are vegetarian for example. Others refused to kill, they only takes a little blood from three or four humans each night without killing them. It depends of each demons in fact. I don't think a soul makes a really big difference.

So do you think a demon can love in the same way as a human being ? I mean it's not just lust or obsession ?

It's depends of the demon in question, is he always evil, is he unselfish sometimes, it's the same with a human you know, some guys are selfish and immoral.

Ok ! Thank you Anya, you have been very useful.

It's nothing ! Oh and Buffy, if it's Spike your questions was about, I think someone who have been loyal to a crazy girl like Drusilla for a century, it proves that he is the most vertuous man or vampire I have ever known. Anybody else would have quit or kill her after a month. I think he could be the man you need !

Anya didn't wait an answer and returned to her occupations, living Buffy amazed behind her.

Buffy get out of the shop, her mind turned upside down. « I think he can be the man you need » Anya's statement replaying in her mind. What does she mean by that ? that I am as impossible to bear as Drusilla ! Wonderful !


	3. chapter 3

Spike awaken with an insufferable headache due to the three bottles of Jack Daniel's he has drunk the night before.

He fills a mug with a bag of pig blood and two pills of Advil.His spirit is not very high this morning and he really doesn't want to see anyone. But apparentely it's not his day because someone knock at the door.

« Come in Watcher ! You are the only one who knock ! the others always barge in ! »

« Good morning Spike. » Says Giles with a nod.

« Yeah ! You too. What do you want ? »

« I want to talk with you about Buffy, Spike. »

« Something has happen to her ? Is she hurt ? » Says Spike worried. « Not that it concerns me at all ! » He says hastily to catch up his too loud anxiety.

« No, nothing happened to her, Spike, and it's not necessary for you to pretend you don't mind if she is well or not. I know you care about her. »

« I don't know what you mean, Watcher, she is The Slayer and I really don't see why I would care about her at all ! It's a big girl, she can take care of her, I was just surprised to see you here and I thought she was in trouble like always, that's all ! »

« Spike, I may be an old english man to you, even if technically I'm younger than you, but I'm not blind nor stupid ! So let's talk seriously, I know you are in love with Buffy, don't deny it, I saw the way you look at her ! »

« I see ! So it's now that you tell me to go away ! That I'm not what she needs, not man enough for her, that she deserves a normal life with a man who is worth it, two children and a house with a white picket fence ! » Says Spike with a dejected air.

« I don' t know Spike, what do you think ? »

« I think you've come here to says to me that I'm not good enough for her, that if I really loved her I should go away like the poof, because nothing good will ever come if we are together, and that I must do the noble thing by letting her alone ! »

« And what makes you think you shouldn't do exactly that ? »

« Because I love her ! You, stupid git ! And she needs someone who will never let her down, who will be there for her, who will watch her back and protect her sister.

She will never be a normal girl, she is The Slayer ! Bloody Hell ! If she had a chance at a normal life now, she would be bored in no time ! Riley was a military and even him couldn't bear that she was stronger than him, no normal man can love her like she deserves !

Another point is that a normal man would want to have children with her, but it would endanger her if she was pregnant, all the nasties would want to have a piece of her ! And a simple man couldn't possibly protect her. »

« What if one day, Buffy wants to have a baby ? you can't give her that ! »

« If she wants a baby, I can't and I won't stop her.

I would protect her and the baby nonetheless, even if it's not mine. I love Dawn and she is not my daughter, I would love anybody she wants me to love if she would let me take care of her. »

Spike takes a breath and pass his hand in his hair and on the nape of his neck, nervously.

« But you have nothing to worry about watcher, because she doesn't want me, she wants nothing to do with a souless thing like me, I'm not like Angel ! I don't have a soul !

She says I can't love ! me ! More love's bitch than me I can't think it's possible, but the great poof can't love her without one, so I can't love her without one too !

You can go home in peace, she doesn't love me, I hope you are happy ! » He says, his gaze fixed on the carpet, his hands in his jeans's pockets.

Spike seems so tired and dejected, that Giles put his hand on his shoulder. Spike stiffen but doesn't move.

« I don't need your pity, you have had what you wanted, you can go now ! »

Giles keeps his hand on his shoulder.

« Spike, I didn't come here to say that to you, but I know now, that you have thought of the consequences yourself, and I'm sorry if Buffy can't love you.

I'm not sure that Buffy will never love you, you know. If I didn't think there was a possibility, I wouldn't be here. But there is one consequence you have not considered, it's the Council's reaction of a vampire with a slayer, and I think it's the main obstacle ! Travers is not a good guy, and he doesn't love Buffy very much, if one day she decides to be with you, you must keep it a secret for her sake, because the last time a slayer has fallen in love with a vampire, the council has killed them both. »

« You mean it has already happen ? Before Buffy and Angel ? So why didn't they kill them at the time ? »

« Because Buffy was very young, and they didn't thought it was more than a crush, it couldn't have been durable according to Travers. But now Buffy is older, she knows what she does and she has challenged the Council more than once. If they were aware of a relationship between you and her, especially with William The Bloody, who has killed two slayers in his time... »

« I understand what you mean, it would be a hunt till death, and Buffy has a family, it would be simple to pressure her, to sent her in a trap...

But I can't promise you I won't try to makes her love me, I can't just forget her. »

« I don't expect you to do that, I only want you to be careful in case your relationship should change, and even if I would have prefered someone else, I want you to know that you are not so bad for a vampire, Spike. »

Giles was at the door when he heards Spike answers in a whisper.

« Thank you, Giles. »


	4. chapter 4

Buffy is punching the training bag with all she has. All her friends know that Spike said he loves her, and of course when she told them the story, she has made the disgusted face they all expected to see her make. It was two days after Spike's declaration.

Xander thought it was funny at first but he surprised her because at the end of the tale he seems a little sorry for Spike. Even Willow was embarrassed. Giles had said nothing but cleaning his glasses with a frown. After that she had trained with Xander as the puching bag, in his Sumo costume. She was so exasperated that she had hurt him a little. They have talked about that and she was feeling better after, but with Warren and his stupid robot April, her feeling of loneliness had returned.

But all of this was nothing in comparison of the void and emptiness she is feeling now that her mother is gone. Everything is so empty. She feels so alone.

Sure she has friends and her sister, but just now it's not enough. If only she has a boyfriend who could take care of her, who could said to her that soon it will be better and take her in his arms.

It's why she can't help but think of Spike. Willow had explain that Spike has come to the magic box when she was searching for April. He has tried to lie to them when he saw that they were furious about what he had done. She wouldn't have wanted to be in his shoes, that day, Brrr...!

She feels sorry for him, nothing seems to go right in his life, or unlife ! (Ok ! She had laughed a little when April had send him fly through the window, but it's only because he was so surprised. The look on his face, it was funny !).

In fact, since he can't bite, his life must be really hard.

He can't frightened anyone anymore, the Scoobies make fun of him all the time. The demon community consider him like a traitor to his kind, he has no friends, except Dawn and Clem. And now that the Scoobies know that he loves her, he has no pride left. His life sucks big time !

« yours too ! No ? » the little voice in her head says.

« Mine is not as bad as his ! » she says angrily, punching the bag once more. « I have friends and family and my reputation is great ! Thanks ! »

« You have friends who don't really understand you, they don't know your dark side, they don't know you feel so alone all the time, and your reputation is that of a killer so what is so different between you and him ? »

« Me I'm good, he, he is not ! »

« He has changed a lot, and you know it ! He could be good if you really wanted him to be ! »

«Even if he loves me, it doesn't change the fact that he is a vampire ! If he didn't have this chip in his head he would be killing humans in no time. »

« He wouldn't do that, he knows that you would stake him, and he wouldn't have a chance with you if he did. »

« Sure, but if one day he doesn't love me anymore, he would start killing again. Even if I have some feelings for him, I can't love him. »

« You say you can't, but love doesn't need permission... » The voice says chuckling.

« Oh shut up ! » she says, pummelling the training bag.

« Buffy ? Is everything all right ? » Anya asks from upstairs.

« yeah ! I'm fine, no worry ! » She grabs her coat and a stake and returns upstairs.

« I'm going for patrol ! Bye Anya, bye Xander ! »

« Buffy wait... » says Xander, but she is already out.

One hour, and three cemetary later, Buffy is out of her mind with boredom.

« It's always the same, each time I need a little action there's nothing to kill ! Grumpff...!»

« Bored, slayer ? »

Buffy jumps a little at the sound of his voice. Great ! Spike ! This bad night wouldn't be complete without him ! She turns to face him. He is sitting on a tombstone, looking at the sky. He looks tired and sad. His usually cocky grin is nowhere to be seen, and his eyes are red, almost as if he had been crying...

« Spike ! Whatare you doinghere ? »

« Nothing. » he says, turning his head in her direction. His gaze fixed on her shoes.

« Okay... so did you see anything killable when you where here doing...nothing ? »

« No ! Apart from me, no. » He takes his pack of cigarettes from his pocket, and lights one.

Buffy doesn't know what to say to him, he seems out of it. She sits beside him, and looks at the stars above them. It's nice to sit here with him, she thinks.

« What do you want, Buffy ? You sit here with me for what ? You want to laugh at me ? You can, you know ! I'm a pathetic excuse for vampire.  
I'm not a man, not a monster, I'm nothing ! » his voice is angry at first, but it breaks in the end.

« I'm sorry Spike... »

« Don't ! don't say anything, I can't hear you say it... » he says dejectedly.

They say nothing for a while. Buffy doesn't want him to think that she is heartless, but she doesn't want to encouraged him either. She places her hand on his and squeeze it a little.

« I don't think you are pathetic, Spike »

« No ?...so why did you treat me like it, when your friends are there ? » he says, withdrawing his hand from hers.

« I don't... » she stops. « I... I know I treated you badly, it's just that you know, it's hard to forget sometimes all the bad things you tried to do to us in the past and... »

« It was not so hard to forgive Angel ! » His tone venomous.

« You don't know anything about that ! You think that it was easy to forgive what Angelus did to Jenny, you think it was a piece of cake ! He tortured my watcher, he frightened my friends, I had to kill him even if Willow had returned his soul before I send him to Hell ! Don't speak about that ! You don't know how hard it was ! » she says, stears staining ker cheeks.

« I'm sorry ! I know it was hard..., please don't cry... » he says, unsure of what to do.

« I know that you have never been as cruel as Angelus, you never tortured any of my friends and you didn't kill anybody I know... but Drusilla did killed Kendra, and you have killed so many people in a century, so you can't expect us to show you some respect as soon as you decides you want to change ! » she says, still crying.

« I know, it's just...forget it ! I'm a stupid git ! I made you cry, as if you don't have too much on your plate already...I'm sorry for your mum » he says shyly.

She nods, wipping her tears and sniffing. Spike gives her a tissue from his pocket. She takes it and tries to regain some composure.

« You know I wanted to give her flowers the night after, but Xander said you wouldn't have like it so... »

« I'm sorry for that, he didn't tell me, I know you liked her...she liked you too you know... »

« Really ? »he seems pleased « It was a nice lady, I'm very sorry for you and the niblet... »

« Oh Spike ! Why did she left me ? I'm so lonely without her ! » She says, bursting again into tears.

Without thinking, Spike takes her in his arms, and whispers words of comfort to her, while caressing her hair tenderly.

« Shh ! Buffy, it's not her fault, she didn't want to left you, it will go better with time. I know you can't see it now, but the pain will lessen. She will always be in your heart and she wouldn't want you to be sad for her. Wherever she is, she sees you and protects you. You are not alone, pet ».

Buffy is calming in his arms now, and he doesn't want her to think he is trying more than comfort her, but she is here in his arms and he doesn't want to ever let her go. Her body is warm against him and her hairs are so soft. Her scent surrounds him. She stands still in his arms, her hands on his back.

She doesn't seem to want to let go either.

Reluctantly, he decides to end the moment, before it feels awkward for her. He takes a step back and takes her by the shoulders, his gaze fixed on hers. « better, pet ? »

She nods shyly, and steps backward too. « I think I should go home now...Dawn needs me »

« Sure, goodnight Buffy » he says, turning on his heels and going in direction of his crypt.

« goodnight Spike and thank you... » she whispers.

If not for his vampire hearing, he would not have heard her. A smile reachs his lips and a warmth spreads through his heart.


	5. chapter 5

Two weeks later, Spike is in his crypt, after his escape from Glory's claws. He lays down on his sarcophagus, and is trying to forget the searing pain of his injuries. He can't move without crying, Glory has done a very good job on him, that's for sure ! But he hasn't speak to this bitch and this is all that matters. His eyes closed, he can only think about these past weeks.

Shit ! now Buffy knows about the bot, and she will probably stake me in no time. Well, it doesn't matter, she probably thinks that I have talk to Glory and says all I know about Dawn, so with or without the Bot, I'm dead this time. I've always known she would be the death of me !

He hears the door being kicked open. It's probably her, Spike, it's time to make your last prayer.

He has some difficulty to hear what she says, « sexy wounds », oh yeah it's not Buffy, it's only the robot. He sits down with pain, and he can't look at the bot without shame, what a stupid idea, as if a robot could have replace Buffy, he is so pathetic. Suddenly the bot kiss him. But it's different than before, it's lips are warm and lightly wet, and it's scent...it's Buffy, the real Buffy !

His brain goes blank, he bends his head to the right and his gaze meets hers with incomprehension and surprise. Why does she kiss him ? Oh ok ! She wanted to know if he has betrayed Dawn, and it's to thank him now that she knows he hasn't. It's more he could have hope in such circonstances, with the Bot and all. He can't help to ask about the robot. It's stupid really, he knows Willow would have desactivated it, and it's not bright to ask that to Buffy herself. He would have say anything to makes her stay a little more with him, he doesn't want to stay here all alone in this state.

She says she won't forget that he didn't betray them, it's great...but it would have been much better if she has stayed with him a little more. Well, she can't, she must go back to her home, with her family, not stay here with a stupid and battered vampire who usually shags a pale stubtitute of his beloved. He must sleep now, he is so tired.

After what seems an eternity, he emerges slowly, he hears noises coming from the left, he wants to open his eyes but he really can't. If it's someone who wants to kill him, too bad for him, he is in no shape to put up a fight even to save his life. After all, it would be a relief to die now, his body is screaming for release, and his mind wants to black out forever.

He senses someone approaching him, and a scent he recognizes immediatly assault his nose, Buffy !

He tries to speak but the words won't pass his mouth. He must have open it, because Buffy order him : « don't try to talk ! Drink that before ». The scent of fresh blood, torture him, and instinctively, his fangs elongates, but he is too feeble for his face to shift. Buffy helps him by lifting his head up and keeps the mug of blood close to his mouth while he drinks.

"Don't move" she says "I will give you another." He lets his head fall again on the sarcophagus. He hears the distinct sound of the bip of a microwave, but doesn't understand. He has no microwave, a TV and a fridge, yes, but he would remember if he have had a microwave. Strange.

She returns and help him drink another mug. His hunger has recessed, and his mind clears, but now he senses the pain with more acuteness, and it's like a blaze is devouring his body. He lets escape a whimper. Buffy lifts his head up, once more, gently and places something like a pillow behind his head.

"Now don't move, Spike, I'm going to tend your wounds, but since you can't move I must cut your clothes. Is it OK ?"

He wants to say, no, but he knows that he is still bleeding, and he is so very tired.

"Ok." he says in a whisper.

He senses her hands on his stomach and he hears the sound of scissors cuting his shirt. Buffy moves apart the sides of his-shirt, delicately, carefully, trying not to reopen the wounds. She gasps when she sees the dammage.

"Oh my god, Spike ! How can you have stand that and not..." she can't finish, and he hears her run to the door and throw up outside. After a moment she is by his side again.

"Sorry ! It's just that what she did to you is so..."

"It's OK Buffy, It's nothing, I've been worse than that when I was just a fledging and I'm still here." He says with a bitter tone.

"Really ? Oh,...I see..".

No Buffy, Spikes thinks, you don't see, you wasn't there to see Angelus torture me for weeks and laughing at my pain, if you have seen that, you couldn't have feel love for such a monster. But he doesn't want to cause her pain, so he doesn't say that to her.

She cleans his wounds and bandages him, almost tenderly.

"Do you have wounds...lower ?" She says embarrassed.

He hears her heart speed up, and supposes she must be blushing.

"Pet you've done enough, and I'm a vampire remember !"

"Yes, I know, but if you want to be in better shape quickly, you can't let your pride goes in the way !"

"My pride ! Let's me laugh ! My pride is buried since they have put this chip in my head, since I'm in love with the ennemy, so it's not a question of pride, believe me !"

"You didn't answer to me, are you hurt anywhere else ?" She says stubbornely.

"Bloody hell Woman ! If you want to know, yes ! This bitch has hurt me everywhere she could, especially my manly parts, happy to know that I hope ! And now you want to do what ? Strip me and have a look ?"

"I just wanted to help you ! But if you don't want to, I will go away !" She says exasperated.

She gets up and begins to pick up her things.

Spike grips her arm and says softly : "I'm sorry Buffy, it's just that I don't want you to do something like that only because you think it's your fault that Glory tortured me. And you are right, it's a question of pride and it's embarrassing for me, and for you too."

"Spike !I'm not a virgin, you know, I can do that, but promise me not to claim to your demon friends that the slayer has take care of your parts !" She says laughing.

"I wouldn't dream of that !" He says laughing too, but stops immediately because of the pain in his ribs.

"Ok ! So I will cut your jeans, and you don't move ! I wouldn't want to cut something important !" she says with a smirk.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea anymore !" He says with faulse worry.

"Ah ! Ah ! She says, The Big Bad is not so brave now !"

Spike smiles tenderly and lets her cut his jeans. He knows it won't be pretty, that bitch has cut him and strip the skin of his dick, and he had scream since he pass over, numerous times. She has done the same with his parts. When he has seen a chance to escape, the hardest part was to pull on his jeans, and whith each step he has made, the pain had been unbearable. It was not like that he has envisionned to be naked in front of Buffy, no, not like that at all.

Buffy is embarrassed, but she doesn't want him to see it too openly. When she will kill Glory, she will make her pay, nobody has the right to torture her vampire ! Wow, Spike is not hers, no he is just a... what ? A friend, no, not really.  
So what is he for her ? Shit, she doesn't have time for this.

Concentrate Buffy ! Damnit ! That's it, cut the jeans ! It's more difficult when she tries to cut near his hips, why does he always wore jeans so tight ? Ok it's done, now take a deep breath, Buffy, because it won't be pretty ! She lifts the piece of jeans slowly and takes a look. Oh my god ! I'm going to pass out, close your eyes and breath slowly... Ok it's better, what am I going to do now ? Oh yes, clean the wounds and bandage, no not bandage, not where the skin is tear out. Ok, cleaning I can do that, don't think Buffy and do it !

Even in this state, Buffy can't stop to think of him as beautiful, his body is strong and lean at the same time, he is muscular but not too much, exactly like a greco-roman statue, the same she has seen in her mother's books. She is cleaning his wounds carefully, and the back of her hands touch the skin of his thighs, his skin is so soft...Buffy ! Think of something else, you are not here for that. The wounds are clean now. Ok what do I have in the aid kit for open wounds, yes that's it ! sticking plasters with a special oily substance on it, it will stop the bleeding and won't stick to the skin when it will grow again. Perfect ! She begins to bandage him, and she tries not to touch him at the same time. She can't stop herself from being arroused a little, and she realises she is not the only one ! She is nearly there, in one minute it will be over. One more plaster and she will be released of the tension in her body. Spike lets escape a moan when she touch unvoluntarily his cock.

"Sorry !" She says between clenched teeth. It's over ! She takes a sheet in her bag and covers him with it.

Spike is relieved, it has been nearly impossible to restrain himself, between the pain and her touch on his parts. He would have succeeded if he hadn't scent her arrousal, it was at this moment he had moan.

"Buffy, why did you do all that for me ?" He asks softly.

"Because you deserve it, it's the least I can do after what you have done, but don't get use to it, as soon as you are well again, I will make you pay for the stupid bot !" She says with a smile.

"I don't doubt it !" He says, returning her smile.

"Now you must sleep, I will come back tomorrow to see if you are better." She takes the bandages and the pair of scissors and places them in her bag. "You need more blood before I go ?"

"No, I'm good... Buffy I... thank you."

"It's nothing ! Goodnight Spike."

"Good night Buffy..."

Buffy closes the door with regret, she knows he doesn't want to stay here alone. If some nasty demon wants to kill him, he is in no shape to defends himself, but she can't let her mother alone with Dawn. Glory could send someone to her house while she is with him. And she can't do that. It will encourage him to think she cares for him more than for just a friend.

On the way home, she tries to forget the softness of his skin, the sensuality of his voice and his arrousal under her touch. She tries to think of something else, but his moan is engraved in her head.

Arrived at home, she goes straight to the bathroom and takes a shower. She is still excited and the shower doesn't help. She slips on her pyjamas and goes to bed. She is tired but she can't sleep. It's not because of Spike, she says to herself, it's just that I'm lonely and I'm sexualy frustrated. So seeing any type of male naked would have make me horny, that's all !

The little voice in her head says : « liar ! You have always been horny after a fight with Spike ! You have always wanted him since the first time you saw him ! »

No ! It's not true ! The first time I saw him, I was in love with Angel !

« so ! You think because you loved Angel, you couldn't see he was attractive ! And yet it's the first thing you have thought when you saw Spike. I quote : « What a shame that all the sexy guys are always vampires or homosexuals »

Ok ! Ok ! I thought that at the time, but I was young and stupid, it's just teenage ramblings !

« If you want to live in Denial Land, suits yourself ! »

I'm not in denial ! Ok, maybe a little, but Spike and me, eww ! Such not a good idea ! And even if I want him, I don't love him, so it will be bad to use him.

« You didn't love Riley and it has never stop you, no ? »

Exactly, it's why it's a bad idea, I can't make the same mistake twice !

The voice shut up at that, and Buffy satisfied falls asleep in no time.


	6. chapter 6

The next day, Buffy decides to patrol early. She has been nervous all day, thinking about Spike and knowing that he will probably be better.

« I'm sure he will makes remarks about what I have done yesterday, stupid vampire ! » she mutters. Surely he will be as annoying as ever, with his witty comments and banters ! Why am I worrying about him, it's just Spike, after all. If he thinks I'm going to fall for him, just because I saw his...whatever. It's normal to be embarrassed to see someone's parts, I'm not a nurse ! It doesn't mean anything, Ok I was a little horny but it's just because I am celibate nowadays. It has nothing to do with him or his gorgeous body and his...mmm ! Yummy ! No Bad Bad Buffy, mustn't think about that. Oh no how am I going to face him if I can only think bad things like that ?

« Thinks straight Buffy ! Don't let him get to you and it will be alright ! » she says in between long calming breaths. Arrived in front of Spike's crypt, she straightens her clothes, takes one last deep breath and pushes the door.

When she enters Spike is nowhere in sight. There is only a few candles dimly lit and it takes a few seconds for her eyes to adjust to the darkness of the room.

« Spike ? You in there ? »

« I'm here, Slayer. » a voice answers coming just a few inches behind her. She jumps and turns only to finds him staring straight into her eyes.

« Spike ! Stop sneaking on me like that ! » she says through clenched teeth.

« Why ? Are you affraid of little ole me ? Good to know I didn't loose my touch ! » he answers with his trademark smirk, bending his head to the side.

« Don't be stupid ! I see you have improved since yesterday, already annoying ! »

« Your concern goes straight to my heart, slayer ! I'm touched, really ! » He goes to the fridge and open the door. « Fancy a drink ? »

« Since I don't drink blood, I think my answer would be a no ! »

« It's a shame, you should try someday, you might like it ! Jokes appart, I have some coke in here if you want ? »

« Oh ! Huh..yes ! » He opens one for her and hold it out to her. She takes a few seeps and put the can on the coffee table. She sits in one of his armchair and stretch her legs in front of her.

Meanwhile, Spike has filled a mug with a pack of blood and warmed it in the microwave. He comes to sit in the other armchair alonside of her.

« I see you know how to use a microwave ! » she says smiling.

« Yeah ! I suppose it must be you that I have to thanked for that ? » he answers, raising an eyebrow questioninguely.

« Well, my neighbour gave it to me when she changed for a new one and I was thinking I could sell it but nobody I know wanted it, so... »

« Thank you, it's...nice of you » he says looking embarrassed.

« It's nothing really, so you seem better than yesterday, do you want I check your wounds ? »

« No ! I'm fine ! Vampire healing, I'm good, nothing a littletime won't heal. »

« You sure ? Because it must be difficult for you to do it and... »

« Slayer ! If you insist once more I'm going to believe you can't let go of my luscious tight little body, I know I'm hot but you must restrain yourself ! »

« You are a pig, Spike ! Why am I losing my time with you ! I must be insane ! » she gets up and goes straight to the door, but Spike catches her before she can handle the doorknob and leave.

« Sorry, it was just a stupid joke, I didn't mean it » his voice pleading. « I promise I won't do it again »

Buffy gazes at him to see if he is sincere, but when her eyes met his, she is paralized. His eyes are swirling with emotions, shame, fear, tenderness, love and lust. The shade of his eyes, at first a clear blue, turns to cerrulean with flickers of gold, and then darkened like a storm over the Pacific ocean.

She senses his grip tighten over her arms and she knows that if she doesn't move now, he is going to kiss her. She feels her pulse speed up at the thought of his lips on hers, and her heart is ponding like a bird trap in a cage.

Spike knows that if he wanted he could kiss her, he can hear her heart rate and sense her arrousal. He wants her so much, it hurts. Her hazel eyes are wide with anticipation and she is so fucking beautiful, all ready for him to take, his angel...but if he does, he knows what's going to happen next. She will slap him and say hurtful words, she will stomp over his heart and broke it in little pieces. She doesn't love him and he is going to be kicked out of her life once more. So he lets go of her arms and acts as if nothing has happened. He turns his back to her and says :

« Thanks again for yesterday...and...if you need anything you know where you can find me, tell the Nibblet that I'm fine. » he says with a strangled voice.

« I...I will tell her, take care of you, Spike » her voice is unsteady and a little hoarse.

She closes the door gently and walk away. He waits a moment, just to be sure she isn't returning. She is gone. His shoulders slumps in defeat. Why can't she let herself love him ? He sighs and lets the tears fall down his cheeks silently.


	7. chapter 7

A couple of days later.

Slam ! « Spike ! You here ? »

« Bugger ! Slayer, can't let a guy rest in piece and have a nice nap in the middle of the day ? » he says, getting up slowly from his sarcophagus.

« I don't have time for this, I need you now ! »

« Really ? Fine by me pet ! » he smirks

« Spike I'm serious here ! Glory knows that Dawn is the Key, we need to get away from Sunnydale now ! »

« What, how did she knew, because I didn't say anything, so who is the son of a bitch who told her, I will rip his throat and... »

« It's Tara ! » she mumbles.

« Shit ! » he takes a breath and sighs « Ok ! What do you need, Slayer ? »

« The whole gang must leave, we need a van or a camping car, and I don't have money so I was thinking... »

« That little old Spike could pick one for you, you want me to steal a camping car for you, well it's... » he tries to stifle a giggle « it's...incredible ! » and bursts out laughing hysterically.

Buffy is mortified at first, but the crazyness of the situation, the accumulated tension of the previous days and his laughters take over. She bursts out laughing too. They can't seem to stop themselves and soon they are sitting on the floor, splitting their's sides, laughing maniacally.

Spike tries numerous time to stop and regain some composure, in vain.

Buffy is thinking that it's the first time she sees Spike laughing, genuinely, and finds him cute. After a moment her tears of laughter turns in tears of sadness and despair.

Spike sobers instantely, and without thinking he takes her in his arms, soothing her.

« It's okay, Slayer, I'm here, I've got your back. I won't let that bitch hurt you or Dawn ! Shh ! It will be allright ! ». She seems so small and fragile, and she is in his arms, it would have been heaven in other circonstances, he thinks sadly. She stiffens and he let her go. They get up and straightens their chlothes in an awkward silence.

« So...you will help me ? » her voice uncertain and small.

He looks in her green eyes and nods.

« I know where I can find a camping car, I will go and deliver it this night wherever you want. »

« No Spike ! We must go now, It can't wait tonight ! »

« Okay...I will go by the sewers, but I will need some things first, black paint and all for protecting me from the sun rays. »

« I will go to the mall and buy it along with some food too, wait for me here, I will be back in half an hour »

He nods. She is already at the door.

Well, he thinks, that was unexpected. She said she needs me ! Even if it's only for a little robbery, it's good to feel useful. He is so absorbed in his thougths that when she comes back he doesn't hear her, and jumps at the sound of her voice.

« I'm back ! You ready ? »

« Whenever you want pet ! Stay here I will pick you up at the cemetary gates in an hour !. »

« Oh ! I don't think so Mister, I'll come with you ! »

« What ! You want to go with me to steal a car ? Are you daft ? You don't have to, I don't want you to be in more troubles than you already are ! » he says angrily. »What if someone sees you ? »

« Don't argue with me, I'll go with you that's final ! Let's go ! »

« Stupid Bint ! » but his tone is so tender that Buffy finds nothing to answer.

He leads the way through the sewers, and in no time they are in a suburban parking lot. They find an old camping car. Spike picks the lock easily and starts the engine with the cables.

« Now pet, are you able to drive it ? »

« Me ? No way, Spike, I can't drive my mum'car, I can't drive it ! »

« Ok so we will paint the windows and I will drive. Where do you want to go ? »

« At the bus stop in front of the school, the others are waiting here. »

« Fine by me, I will drive you here and be on my merry way ! I suppose Giles and the Whelp know how to drive this ! »

« No Spike, I want you to come with us, I need you, if Glory or the army of Byzantum track us down, I want you with me ! You are the only one strong enough to face them, and I can't do it on my own. »

« Your watcher and the Whelp won't be overjoy about me here, you know that ? »

« It's my decision to make and I say you come ! If that's okay with you of course ? »

« Fine by me pet, let's roll ! » He takes something from his jacket, and put it on his eyes.

Buffy bits her lips not to laugh at the sight of him with his glasses but can't stiffle a giggle.

« You can laugh if you want, pet, I know it looks ridiculous on me, but it's your fault ! I can't drive a long time with all this light, my eyes would water too much. »

She puts a hand on his shoulder and smiles at him kindly. « It's not so bad, it's just funny on you, thanks for being here ».

« I have nothing better to do anyway, pet, so it's nothing ! » he shrugs his shoulders and start driving out of the parking lot.


	8. chapter 8

Buffy is alone at the back of the camping car. She doesn't know where they are going, but it's fine, it lets her time to order her thoughts. What to do next ? If only they could hide until the end of the time' s ritual. If only she could find a weakness in Glory, if only her life wasn't sucking so much...Oh god ! I'm in the middle of nowhere whith a Hell God after me and only one guy to help.

She smiles at the thouht of Spike with his funny glasses. She feels safe when he is with her, how ironic, this vampire mades her feel safe ! More so than with any other guy she has been with, even Angel ! With Angel, it was always so scary, whenever she saw him, it was for warning her of another threat. He sometimes made her feel safe, but not so much as Spike. He is always here when I need him.

She hears a knock at the door. « come in, Spike ! »

« Hi ! Pet, how did you know it was me ? »

« I always know when you are near, Slayer sense's I suppose »

He frowns at her answer, but decides to drop the subject for the time being.

« You are allright ? » he says concern.

« If I say yes, you would believe me ? »

« No, not really ! I see you've not lost you sens of humour ! »

« It's all I've got now, I don't know what to do, I can't stop this bitch, so I'm running away. You must think I'm a chicken... »

« No ! Absolut-fucking'ly not, don't say that ! It takes strengh to admit when you have lost a battle, but it doesn't mean you have lost the war. Every warrior face defeat one day, it's how you handle it that count. » He says sitting beside her and taking her hands in his. His thumbs makes little circles on the back of her hands.

« I'm not handling it very well, I'm running away, Spike ! »

« You do what you have to do, luv, what good would it make if all your friends was near this bitch now, she would destroy them, like Tara, to get to you. I don't know if it was the right decision, but nobody had another solution, so don't get your knickers in a twist about it. »

She smiles sadly and put her head on his shoulder.

« You should take a nap, you are exhausted, luv. I will wake you up, if something happen. »

Too tired to make a comment, she shuts her eyes, and is soon asleep. Spike puts one arm around her and lay down on the couch taking her with him. Her head is now on his chest and he is tracing small patterns on her arm. His nose is near her hairs and he inhales softly, breathing in her scent. He knows he can't stay long, because of the scoobies. But he takes a few more minutes to bask in her scent and the contact of her body against his. Oh love ! The things you do to me ! If only you could see how much I love you ! I would do anything for you ! I would die for you, you know...

In the other room, he hears Xander start complaining: « What does the Bleach undead do with Buffy, I'm going to see if she is allright, I don't trust him ! »

Spike disantangles himself as gently and as fast as he can, and kiss Buffy on her forehead before running at the door. He opens it to find Harris ready to burst in.

« Spike ! What are you... »

« Hush,Whelp ! The slayer is sleeping ! » he says as low as possible.

« Oh ! Okay... » Spike shut the door, slowly.

Spike ignores him and goes sit on the floor next to Willow, who is occupying Tara with a play of cards.

Harris sits next to Dawn and fixes Spike with hatred.

« So bleach boy, your conversation is so annoying that Buffy has fell asleep ? »

« Think whatever you want, Whelp ! At least she is secure enough with me to sleep when I am in the room, is that what annoyes you so ? »

Xander is speechless for a minute.

« Well that's only because she knows that you are harmless, Fangless ! » he answers with a smirk.

« Yeah ! Harmless against humans, but surely not against demons and Hellgod ! What is it with you Harris ? Affraid I could take your place alongside her, it's sting to know that it will never be you, that you will never be the man for her ! »

« You are not a man, Spike ! You're just a monster, she tolerates you only because you are muscles for her and nothing more, stop dreaming Fangface, you are pathetic ! »

With a roar, Spike slips into game face and pins him to the wall, strangling him.

« Don't forget I'm a Master Vampire, Whelp, if I had wanted, I could have sent minions to kill you a long time ago, the chip in my head triggers only if I want to harm, but minions killing you would have done nothing to me. I choose not to kill, the chip has nothing to do with it, so sod off ! » He relaxes his grip and let Harris takes his breath. Gazing straight in his eyes, Spike returns to his human features, turns his back on him and sits on the couch besides Dawn.


	9. chapter 9

Previousely on Buffy The Vampire Slayer :

The whole gang is running away from Glory. They are attacked by the army of Byzantum on the road, Giles is severly injured, the camping car is lost, and they are surrounded by soldiers in an old gaz station. Willow maintains a forcefield arround the house, but the Byzantum priests tries to force the field. They have the General of the army as a prisonner and Buffy has called Ben to help Giles.

What a mess we are in ! If only I could light this stupid cigarette. Spike thougth.

A man hand's grabs his lighter and Spike is surprised to see Harris light it for him.

« Thanks ».

« Those things will kill you ! »

Spike look at him as if he has grown another head. Why is he here helping him ? What does he wants, makes fun of him, plays a round of kick the Spike ? No, apparentely not. Spike inhales slowly the smoke. It's good for his nerves.

« Oh right... »

Weel it seems that Harris has forget a little about his undead status. Must be all this tension around them.

« Did I tell you how much I don't like you ? » but his heart isn't really in it.

« Might have let it slip in...once or twice » his voice rough with tiredness.

« How are your feelers ? »

Spike exhales his smoke and turn his head to gaze at him.

« It's nothing compared to the little bits we will get chopped into when they keack the door in. And here we bloody sit. »

« It's not like we got much of a choice. »

« We could make a break for it. Use General Armour-All as a shield, gets to the doc 's car... »

« Great plan ! While all the hacking and the slashing's going on, what are you gonna do ? Throw migraines at them ? »

« Look, we stay here, we all dies. At least, this way, some of us might get... »

« No ! We are all gonna make it ! I'm not losing anyone ! » says Buffy standing in the doorway, looking desappointed.

« Check the supplies ! See if anyone is hungry. » When Spike pass beside her, she turns her head on the other side.

Spike doesn't say anything, he knows she must think he is selfish and wants to save his skin, but it's not that. It hurts him to see she is thinking so little of him. As soon as she is alone he will explain himself.

He catches her alone an hour later. She is sitting alone after her conversation with Dawn. He has heard them speaking about Dawn's Keyness.

« Let me alone Spike ! »

« I don't think so, Slayer. I need to talk to you about what I said to Harris, it's not what you think... »

« Oh ! Really ! Enlighten me You-Who-Knows-Everything ! » she spits at him.

« I wasn't thinking about me when I said that, I was only thinking that with so many people it's impossible to save them all, I don't want to see anyone getting hurt or worse it's just that odds are against us ! »

« So your solution is let kill some to save the others, really appaling Spike ! »

« No ! Bloody hell, woman ! It's not what I mean at all. You know that if you want to save Dawn you endangers the others, is that what you want ? Dawn wouldn't want that too and you know it ! »

« Don't bring Dawn in that, it's not her choice to make ! »

« It's not your choice too ! You can't save all of us all the time ! Face it Slayer, you are not God, for Christ Sake ! »

« So what do you want me to do ? Huh Spike What ? »

« Shit ! I don't know ! Don't listen to me, I'm just frustrated here, doing nothing, I'm sorry ok, I'm sorry ! »

« Don't be sorry, I'm as frustrated as you, I don't know what I'm doing and it kills me ! » she says through tears. « Spike, I want this to stop...I can't... I just can't... »

« Come here, luv » he says griping her hand with his and taking her in his arms.

She lets him hug her, and hugs him back. His strong arms around her small frame are so reassuring that she calms very quickly. He lets her go a little and kisses her forehead gentely. With his thumb he caresses her cheek and gazes at her lovingly.She smiles at him, a beautiful and sad smile. And then she kiss him, gentely, her lips grazing his like a warm breeze at first. Spike is so surprised he can't move. Her soft tongue licks his lower lip slowly, then his upper lip and seeks entrance in his mouth. He lets escape a moan and give in, he parts his lips and lets her tongue dance with his. Her hands are joins behind his neck and her body is pressed against him.With one arm he circles her waist and press his scrotch against her center. She moans his name in his mouth and intensifies her kiss, battling with his tongue, exploring, biting his bottom lip. His other hand wanders under her shirt and cups one of her breast, his thumb stroking her skin slowly. Her hands travels under his shirt and her nails scratch his skin on his back. He shudders, his breath caught in his throat. If she doesn't stop I'm going to take her right then and there, thinks Spike. At this moment they heard loud noises coming from outside. She gasps and takes a step back, takes a quick breath and gazes at him as if she was in a daze. She is flush and breathtaking like that, but she quickly regain some composure.

When they hear Ben's shout, they dashed for the door and arrived to see Ben turns into Glory. Spike tries to stop her but she sends him flying in the wall. Buffy tries too but with no more success. Glory grabs Dawn and leaves.


	10. chapter 10

Previousely on Buffy The Vampire Slayer :

Dawn was kidnapped by Glory, Buffy is in a state of catatonia since then. The scoobies return to Sunnydale. Willow is trying to wake up Buffy, while Xander is at the hospital with Giles who is injuried. Spike returns to Glory's flat to search for a trail.

Spike kicks the door with his boot, disdainfuly. His gaze wanders around the appartment. He lights a fag and goes for a back door behind the stairs. Inside he finds Ben's lair, with his doctor's blouse.

What a shame that I didn't know that stupid git was Glory, I could have killed the idiot and none of this would have happened. Yeah ! I could have had minions sent to him when he was outside the hospital, they would have drained him good and proper. Instead, Buffy is unresponsive since Dawn was kidnapped, the bitch has her Key now, Tara is in wonderland, and Willow is getting scarier as time goes on. The witch is too much powerful, and its not for the good. He had seen it in his time, magic without enough control is not a good thing, some time in the near futur, it may cause a problem. I must talk about it to the watcher, after all this.

Well, there's nothing more here...better return to the hospital, see if the watcher is better.

On his way, he makes a quick patrol, dusting one fledging making his way out of his grave. His thoughts are full of Buffy and Dawn.

I hope the nibblet is fine ! Since Glory needs her for the ritual I presume that she won't torture her. Willow is going to bring Buffy back from lalaland and we will find a way to stop this bitch ! But all along, he has a feeling that it will probably won't be as easy as that. Something in his gut, tells him that it will turn badly this time. Too much odds against them, and he don't like it one bit. You don't confront a God without damage...I will die before this bitch hurt my girls ! Yeah ! Definitely his girls, he thinks with a smile. Buffy has kissed him this night, Oh god ! It was so good ! He will never let her go now, nope never ! She wants him even if she is not in love with him, it's just a matter of time and one thing for sure is that he has all the time in the world, vampire here ! Well of course only if he doesn't die for good in the next battle against Glory. Naaah ! Don't think like that mate, we will all make it !

In the corridor of the hospital he spot a bag of blood and put it in his jacket, Harris has seen him but doesn't comment.

He makes a full report to the watcher and the whelp, and suggests them to go pay a visit to Doc. They agree and takes Xander's car. Since the watcher is injured, they go in there without him. Something in Doc's demeanor creeps him, this guy is not clear, he seems too « sugary » would say Buffy. As if Spike would believe him when he seems to ignore that Glory is in town, he knows that Doc is one of the most big bad ass in Sunnydale, it's for that reason they are here. Spike saw him trying to divert their attention and smirk. Yeah ! Don't think I'm a fool Doc.

« You are lying ! »

All hell break loose after that, and Doc attacks him.

« Idiot ! You think that only lower being worship Glorificus ! »

He sends Harris flying against the wall, and put the box he was trying to hide in the fire. Harris pins him to the floor and pierce his heart with a sword. I get back the box through the fire and we leave.

In the car Giles is asleep, but when Harris start the engine he wakes up. I fill him in about what happened and give him the box.

« Where do you want to go, now, Giles ? »

« To the Magic box ! We must decipher this book before the ritual ! »

« Allright, no rest time for the good guys ! » he sighs.

After two hours of research, they finally know what the prophecy is about and it's not good at all.

They are all relieved to see Buffy arrive. She seems like her old self and it's one good news among the bad ones.

When Giles is explaining the prophecy to her, Spike lowers his head and fixes a spot on the floor, he can't stand the gaze of the slayer. He don't understand why but he feels as if he has failed her. It's stupid really, since he has nothing to do with the bad news, but he curses himself for not being able to protect her and the nibblet. He knows she won't accept to kill Dawn, and he understands why, he couldn't do it himself either. She means too much for him, she and Joyce where the only one to always treat him like a man, as if he was a friend. Buffy knows she is not really her sister but it doesn't matter to her, and the watcher knows it too. So they are doomed if the ritual start, because there is no way Buffy would let anyone kill Dawn, and he knows he would never allow it too. He stays quiet all along, because it's between her and the watcher for now. It's evident nothing between them won't be the same after that. Of course the watcher is right, what's one life against the whole world, nothing. But for Buffy, Dawn is her only reason to keep on living. If it wasn't for her, she would be as good as dead. It hurts Spike to think that even with his support, it's not enough for her to want to live. She doesn't love him, this is proof enough, and it hurts like a brick wall.


	11. chapter 11

Previousely on Buffy the Vampire Slayer :

Buffy is out of catatonia. If the ritual begins the only way is to kill Dawn to close the portal. If it comes to that, Giles is ready to kill her, but Buffy is willing to stop him.

Buffy return to her home to grab some weapons with Spike.

Sheopens the door and comes in the hall, when Spike's voice stops her.

« Buffy... » he says with an apologetic voice.

She doesn't seem to understand, so he hold up his left hand to indicate the barrier.

She says nothing. Apparentely clueless.

« If you just wanna hand them over the treshold... » he says resigned, and trying to seem nonchalant.

This time, Buffy understands. She thinks quickly about it, and decides she will let him in. Things have change between them, she thinks. She knows that he is in love with her, really in love with her.

It's so evident now, and she needs him, more than ever. She knows that he will protect Dawn with his life, and since her Watcher is now a threat to Dawn, he is the only one strong enough to do it.

« Come in Spike. » She answers him with a bright smile.

Spike is astounding at first, and the relief and joy he feels at this moment is nothing he has ever experienced before. She lets me in ! She has forgive me ! He tries not to let her see his joy, but he can't suppress the smile of pure unaltered bliss off his face. He looks at her sheepishely and cross the treshold hesitantely.

« hum ! Presto...no barrier... » he says in a voice caught by emotion. At this moment he wants to take her in his arms and kisses her senseless. His body is trembling lightly, his mind is swirling and if he doesn't move away for her, he is going to makes a fool of himself by telling her how much he loves her. So he goes straight to her weapon chest to grab the weapons.

She senses the tension in his body and for a second she thinks he is going to kiss her, but when he goes in the livingroom instead, she is a little disappointed. She takes a breath to steady her nerves. If Anya was there, she is sure, she would have made a comment about unresolved sexual tension between them. Why is she so disappointed, she doesn't love him, and for once he is trying to be a gentleman here. Yes but perhaps they are going to die tonight and she feels so safe when he is here.

The kiss they had shared last night was passionate and so sensual, it was nothing like she has ever experienced in her life.

« Humm... I won't bother with the smal stuff » he says rummaging through her weaponchest « A couple of good axes should hold off Glory's mate while you take on the lady herself. »

« We aren't all gonna make it, you know that ? »

« Yeah ! » coming back to her with the weapons in his hands « I always knew I was going down fighting » he says with assurance, with a small smirk.

« I'm counting on you to protect her. » she says very seriousely.

His smile disappear. « Till the end of the world, even if it happens to be tonight. » he says deadly serious, his voice conveying his emotion. He is touched beyond words that she trusts only him with Dawn's life.

« I'll be in a minute. » she says with a small voice, touched too by the intent behind his words.

He nods at her.

« I know you will never love me. » She turns to face him, surprised and taken aback. She frowns lightly. « I know I'm a monster. » he says with a small smile « but you treat me like a man and that's... »... _More than I could have ever hope. _She looks at him, and she feels a pang of sadness, seeing him baring his soul to her, as if she deserves it. She has treated him so bad and he is here wearing his heart on his sleeve, she feels like a bitch and can't keep his gaze any longer. She don't know what to say to him. What can she says ? that perhaps one day she could love him, it's true, she knows that she could love him one day, but she doesn't want it. Love hurt too much, she doesn't want to love anyone, only Dawn. She doesn't have place, for him, in her heart. So she says nothing.

« get your stuff, I'll be here. » he says embarrassed.

She climbs the stairs. He goes outside, waiting for her.

Five minutes later she closes the door of her house and they walk in silence to the magic shop. Neither one of them wants to speak. There's so much unresolved between them and so little time before the battle. It's a wonderful night, all is quiet, but there is something final in the air, something bad.


	12. chapter 12

Two hours later all is said and done with. Buffy is dead to save her sister, and the world with her.

Tara and Willow are griping each other, wiping silentely. Giles seems to be in shock. Xander cries with Anya unconscious in his arms. Dawn is sitting on the tower's steps in a daze.

Spike is lying on the floor, his body shaking with violent sobs. He is covered with his own blood, but he doesn't care. His mind can only process three words, replaying endlessly, Buffy-is-dead, Buffy-is-dead, Buffy-is-dead.

After a while, Giles emerges from his daze's state and takes Buffy's body off the ground. Without a word he begins walking, craddling Buffy in his arms. Everybody follow him, except Spike who is still crying on the floor, and Dawn who approaches him slowly.

« Spike ! Get up, please ! » He doesn't seem to hear her at all.

« Spike ! Dawn is coming soon, get up ! » Nothing she says makes him move.

She takes his arm and tries to drag him, but he is too heavy. Now she is angry with him.

« William The Bloody ! You will move your sorry ass, immediately ! » she shouts at him.

Her ton of voice is so nearfrom Buffy's that it enters his brain, this time. He gazes at her, startled, and fixes her with lost puppy's eyes. « Nibblet... » he whispers, astonished.

« Spike ! Dawn is near you must go find a shelter ! » she looks at him, really affraid that he won't do it.

Her pleading eyes registers, and he can't resist it. He gets up with difficulties as his left leg is broken. She helps him to stand and with her aid he walks to the nearest sewers' enter. She helps him go through it and follow him in the tunnel.

« Nibblet ! You need to go home, its not a place for you ! The others will be worried not to see you ! »

« Yeah ! That's right ! They don't even know I wasn't following them ! » she says resentfully.

« That's only because of Buffy's... »

« If you want to think that... » shrugging her shoulders.

« Do you know how to go to your crypt ? »

« Yeah I know the way, but I can't think I can walk that long for now. I will wait here to let my bones mend themselves, I will be fine. » he says tiredely.

« No, no,no ! None of that Mister ! What if some nasty guy sniffs your blood and comes to get you, no way I let you here, I will help you ! »

« Nibblet ! You are bare foot, it's disgusting in there... »

« Wait me here, I'll comeback in one minute ! »

He is too tired too protest, and let her go.

She returns in the room below the tower to take her clothes and shoes. It's strange, when she had let them here, she was so sure it was forever, and now she is wearing them as if nothing has happened.

But now her sister is dead, and she is alone. No it's not true she is not alone, she has Spike. Her sister said that he will be always here for her, and that she must help him go through his grief. She had said that he was the only one she was sure of, and that he can be trusted.

She must be strong and live, and she intends to do just that.

She returns in the sewers to find him here waiting for her, his face covers in blood, dirt and tracks of tears.

« Lets go Spike ! » she says, taking him by one arm.

Their walk seem to take an eternity, but finally they reach his crypt. He can't climb to the lower level, because of his broken leg, but he is better here than in the sewers. She climbs upstairs and takes a bag of blood from the fridge. At that moment she sees the microwave and frown. It's the microwave her neighbour's had given them, what it's doing here ? Buffy had said she had sold it to an other neighbour. She smiles a little, good old Buffy, so secretiv. She has always known, that Buffy has a soft spot for Spike. If not, why would she dismiss killing him every time she has had the opportunity. She warm the bag, and poor it in a mug, and return downstairs.

« Drink that Spike, it will help you heal ! »

He takes the mug but doesn't drink it.He puts it on the floor, alongside him.

« Is it too hot ? » she says with a frown.

« No, it's fine, I'm just not very thirsty » he answers her tiredly.

« But you...you need it to heal ! You have broken bones and you have lost a lot of blood ! » she protests vehementely.

« I'm fine, nibblet, don't worry » his voice is broken, devoid of emotions.

« Do you think I'm stupid ? Do you think I don't see that you don't want to live anymore ! So what ! You promised to take care of me to Buffy ! You promised ! » she says hitting his chest with her fists, crying « don't leave me, Spike ! You promised ! ».

He takes her in his arms, crying with her.

« Sorry Nibblet, I'm sorry ! I'm here, you can count on me, I will never let you alone, hush... » he says caressing her long hairs. She calms down and takes the mug to give it to him.

He smiles at her subborness and drinks it quickly.

« How did you know I promised that to your sis ? »

« Before she...she said it to me, and she said that you are the only one she was sure of to take care of me. » she whispers against his chest.

Her words are soothing his pain a little, but at the same time he resents his failure deeper.

« Did she say anything else ? » he asks hesitantely.

« She said me to say to you that you are a good man. »

Another pang of pain stabs him in the heart. How could have he failed her so much ?

« Your sis was too good with me, I'm a monster and I didn't deserve her trust. »

« Why do you think that ? »

« Because I didn't save her... » he whispers.

« But you try ! I was here I saw you ! It's not your fault ! It's mine ! » she cries looking him in the eyes.

« It's not your fault Dawn ! I promised to take care of you and I didn't... » his voice rough with pain.

« The only one who is to blame it's Glory ! »

« Whatever...Dawn you should going home ! The others... »

« I don't want to go, I don't want to see... » _them, her._ « can I stay here with you ? »

« Okay... »

Both exhausted, they fell asleep a few minutes later, in each other arms.


	13. chapter 13

Spike woke up at one in the afternoon the day after. His brain registered vaguely that Dawn wasn't there anymore, but still in a daze he didn't worried. He tried to get up but his legs was like jelly.

« What the Hell happened to me... » he mumbled, but suddenly his memory returned to him like a blow in the gut. Dawn's kidnapping, him being stabbed by Doc, his fall from the Tower and Buffy's body lying on the floor.

« Buffy...no...not her... » he whispered, tears falling unnoticed on his cheeks. He curled himself up against the corner of the room, his knees against his chest, rocking back and force. _It's just a bad dream he thinks, I'm going to wake up and all will be allright, she's fine, Buffy is fine and she is gonna kick my door tonight and ask me to patrol with her. It was just a sodding nightmare, a nightmare..._But he knew it will never be allright again for him, not without her to kick his ass every sodding day, not without her to make stupid jokes, not without her to kiss him...

He stayed like that until he fell asleep, exhausted.

It's in the same state that Dawn found him three days after Buffy's death. She was worried for him, but she hadn't had the strength to do anything the past few days. She had cried non stop and didn't want to see anyone except Tara.

She had come to see if he wanted to go to the funeral with her. She had insisted that they do it at night because of Spike, Giles and Xander wasn't happy with her decision but they hadn't said anything.

When she saw him she was horrified, he was covered in dried blood and mud, his face so pale that it was transluscent. His bone's legs were still broken and formed an odd angle, his wounds were still bleeding.

She tried to speak to him, but he didn't answer anything, it was as if he wasn't even here. His gaze was blank and unfocused, it was frightening.She shaked him, cried his name but he didn't respond.

« What can I do ? » she said pleadingly, her gaze directed at the ceiling. « Buffy please ! Help me ! »

As if she had heard, an idea popped in Dawn's mind. « Yes ! Blood ! Of course it's always about blood ! » she screamed excited.

She climbed the ladder to the upper level and went for the fridge. There it was, four bags of blood.

She poured one in a mug and warmed it. She approached him slowly and kneeled in front of him.

Dawn hold the mug under his nostrils, but nothing happened. « Spike ! Please ! It's me Dawn ! You have to drink that to be better ! ». He was still unresponsive. « Spike you promised to Buffy you would take care of me, you can't do that to me, I need you ! » she said with unshed tears in her eyes.

She put one of her finger in the mug and paint his lips with blood trying to make his demon appeared, but he remained still.

« I know that it's pig's blood, but you need it and... » Dawn stopped in her track, _It's not pig's blood he needs, it's Buffy's blood. He needs her and her blood would awaken him, he needs comfort more than blood. My blood is the same as hers, so if I give him my blood, he will think it's Buffy's and that will make him react...I hope !_

She took him in her arms and took the swiss knife Spike had given her. That day she had complain about the fact that she was always unarmed and that it wasn't fair, he had given her the swiss knife saying that it wasn't really a weapon but it could be helpful one day. He was right !

She cut her arm, not her wrist (she didn't want the others to know what she had done they wouldn't have understand) and placed it against his mouth.

His demon camed to the surface slowly, as if he was unsure of what to do. The demon saw her and looked at her without recognition. He carefully licked the wound with his rough tongue and his fangs ellongated. Dawn was fascinated, it was the first time that she saw his demon alone, she had saw glimpse of him some times in fights but Spike was always in control of it. Now there was only the demon and she knew that she should run but strangely she wasn't affraid.

Spike's demon stopped licking surprised to see that this girl wasn't affraid of him. Suddenly the scent of the blood reached his mind and clarity of whose blood it was dawned on him. Slayer's blood, Buffy' s blood. No not her blood, this girl is not the slayer. Conflicted toughts collided in his mind, it was too confusing for the demon simple brain so he pushed them aside. He needs the blood and it'all that matters. He sinked his fangs in her arm and began to drink greedily. Her blood is like a nectar and it's so potent.

Dawn yelped in surprise and pain when his fangs pierced her skin brutally. He tooks mouthfull of her blood so quickly that she is soon dizzy. He seemed totally unaware of her pain, and she started to become frightened. The demon sensed her fear and an evil smirk twitched his lips. _The stupid bint is finally affraid of me it's about time !._The demon closed his eyes in satisfaction.

« Spike you are hurting me ! Spike it's me Dawn ! Please come back to me ! »

The human part of Spike registered her name this time. _Dawn ! What is she doing here ? Hey it's human blood I'm drinking ! Wow it's so good, MMMM ! Must be fresh it's so warm and alive..._

_wait a minute alive ? Dawn ! Oh my god ! I'm drinking Dawn's blood !_

Spike's eyes snapped open, to see Dawn's eyes filled with tears. Instantely his human features reemerged and he let go of her arm.

« Bloody Hell ! Dawn what are you trying to do ! Do you have a death wish ! » he said shaking her.

« No ! I'm trying to save your stupid life ! You moron ! » she said, lifting her chin defiantely.

She tried to get up but the blood loss took over and she fall down on her butt.

« My life was not in danger, stupid bint ! Stay still, you have lost too much blood, you can't walk immediately,give it five minutes it will be better ! »

« Your life was in danger Spike ! You were out of it since I left you three days ago ! Your wounds were still bleeding and your leg is still broken three days after ! And I'm not a stupid bint ! » she cried.

Touched by her concern and by the risk she has taken for him, his anger subsided. He took her in his arms and rocked her gentely.

« I'm sorry Nibblet ! I wasn't thinking straight you know, it's just that it was dangerous what you did. I could have drain you if I hadn't react in time ! »

« I know ! But I can't live without you, I've lost too much people, I can't loose another person I love ! »

« You love me ? » Spike said astonished and unsure he had heard her correctely.

« Of course I love you Spike ! Not that I am in love with you...you know, I mean I love you like I love my sister, you are family to me ! »

Spike was speechless for the first time in the last century. Dawn really loves him, he had always known that she liked him, sure, but that she considered him as a member of her family, he wouldn't have thought that possible.


	14. chapter 14

« Of course I love you Spike ! Not that I am in love with you...you know, I mean I love you like I love my sister, you are family to me ! »

Spike was speechless for the first time in the last century. Dawn really love him, he had always known that she liked him, sure, but that she considered him as a member of her family, he wouldn't have thought that possible.

« You are sure ? Because if not it's ok, you know... » his voice caught in his throat with row emotion. His gaze fixed on hers, his blue eyes searching hers to know if she meant it.

« Spike ! You are like a big brother for me, you have endured torture for me, you have put up with my adolescent crap all the time, you are allways here for me, so yes ! I am sure, you are my family ! » she said with all her heart.

A few tears escaped from hiseyes and he hold her as if she was going to disappear. His hand caressing her long brown hair.

« Thank you Nibblet, you don't know how much it means to me... » he whispered in her ear.

« I think I know, Buffy has accepted me even if I was not really her sister, so I know what you feel ! »

He disantangled himself from her embrace, and smiled to her, taking a strand of her hair and putting it back behind her ear. She smiled back at him and wiped the tears staining his cheeks with the back of her hand.

« Why did you come here in the first place, Nibblet ? »

« Well, tomorrow is the day of the funeral and I wanted to know if you would be here... »

« Oh ! Well, I suppose that everybody will be here and with the sun and all... »

« No ! I insisted for it to takes place at dusk, so you can come ! »

« It's sweet, luv... but I don't think I can, the great poof will be here and the watcher and I don't think they will be as understanding as you...to see me here. »

« But it's not fair ! I want you to be here...they have no right to keep you away ! »

« Nibblet ! Calm down ! I promise I will be here, for you, for her but I will attend it in a distance okay ? »

« No ! it's not okay, it's unfair ! »

« Dawn, if I come Angel will ask questions about why I am here and I don't want her funeral to become a circus ! Anyway, I don't have the right to be here, I failed to protect you and because of me she is...so I don't deserve to be here. »

« You have nothing to do with the fact that she died, it was her choice, I wanted to jump but she did it in place of me, it was me who was supposed to close the portal, but she didn't want to let me do it ! »

« If I had been faster and cleaverer, Doc wouldn't have cut you and nobody would have had to die at all, Dawn ! It's my fault ! I promised to your sister I would protect you and I failed; like always ! »

« Great ! Have you ever thought that if I hadn't be made alive by the monks Buffy wouln't have to die to save me ! It was my responsibility to close it, it's me that doesn't really exist, so it's normal that I return as a green ball somewhere in the space ! I'm not human ! »

« Don't say that ! You are human Dawn ! »

« I will stop to say that if you stop to think it's your fault that she is dead ! » she said, crossing her arms.

« Ok ! It's a deal ! » he answered with a small smile.

« Your leg is it better ? »

He tried to stand up but failed. « No, it needs to be straighten before it can heal, could you help me ? »

« Of course, what can I do ? »

« You put your hands here, yeah like that ! you must turn it on the left and pull at the same time when I tell you, you ready ? »

She nodded.

He brassed himself against the pain and said through clenched teeth « Now ! ».

She did as he had ask and the sound of bones cracking reverbed in the crypt. He let out a grunt of pain and closed his eyes, waiting for the pain to subside.

« Is it OK ? »

« Yes, now I need more blood, could you warm some for me ? »

« No problem, I'll be right back, drink that mug, sorry it must be cold now... »

He took it and drank it with a grimace.

She returned with another mug and he drank it greedily. « thanks ! Can you help me walk to the ladder ? I want to lie down on the sarcophagus. »

She put an arm around his waist and he took care not to stand on his injured leg.

« How are you going to climb ? »

« you go first, I will jump each step on one leg but I need you for the last step. »

« Ok ! »

They finally made it, and Dawn was relieved to see him in a better mood.

She helped him to undress his coat and shirt, and brought him a wet clothe to wash the dirt and blood staining his face and torso. She brought him a blanket and a pillow too.

« Now you are going to sleep, and I want you to stop thinking at anything bad, ok ? »

« No need to worry Nibblet, I will be fine. » he mumbled.

« Now that I have your attention, I can tell you the other reason I came here today ! »

He frowned and looked at her questionningly.

« So it's like that, before Buffy...well you know...she gave me a message for you, so I quote « tell Spike that he is a good man and that I thank him for being here for you and me. Tell him that I hope he will go on and be good. » and she said that I have to take care of you, and keep you away from troubles. » she said, smiling.

« She...she really said that ? » he said after a long minute of silence.

« Yes Spike ! She really said that, I wouldn't lie to you knowing what you feel for her ! »

He nodded absentmindely, lost in his own thoughts.

« I need to go now, Tara will be worried if I don't come back before dusk, you all right now ? »

« I'm good Pet, see you tomorrow after the ceremony, ok ? »

« Ok ! Good night ! » she said before closing the door.

He tried to stay awake to think more about Buffy's last comment, but he was too tired and soon drifted into a deep slumber.


End file.
